Balancing Act #63: A Father's Guide to Barbies

[GamerDad]

Dave Alpern's Balancing Act #63: A Father's Guide to Barbies article - http://www.gamerdad.com/detail.cfm?itemID=3537

[momGamer]

Excellent article, though I note there should be some addendums for mixed gender households.

-- Her accessories are ambulatory. At least that's what I figure. Those (&@$% little shoes MUST be made for walking, 'cause that's just what they do. Right off under the davenport somewhere.

-- Very quickly Barbie joins the Vinyl Nudist Colony in your daughter's toybox. If you're lucky, she'll still have those little white panties for a while but eventually she just chucks it all and goes au natural. Ironically, people who had a cow about Janet Jackson's lost pastie probably have a house full of full but anatomically incorrect frontal nudity.

-- It's not just the accessories/clothes. Barbies arrive in December and whatever month the girl's birthday is in. Or when she saves enough allowance. Expect them to be missing at least one vital part within a month of their arrival.

-- Barbies with parts missing are often caused by maurading brothers who can somehow manage to remove a head or leg without being in the same zipcode as the doll in question. Or the brother can at least assert that fact with a straight face.

-- Missing limbs can occaisionally be found with the household pet subsequent to their liberation by the straight-faced brother above.

-- Missing Barbie parts do not go to the great Beyond somewhere along with that odd sock from the dryer and that little bolt that is always missing from anything that comes "some assembly required". The location of the the Graveyard of the Eerily Grinning Plastic Heads is in your plumbing somewhere. It's subject to Heisenberg's principles, so the more you know about where it is, the less you're going to be able to do about it.

-- Specific locations can only be divined by rites performed at $75 and hour with a powered drain snake and an expanse of backside hanging above a very heavy toolbelt.

-- Once the location is determined and a retrieval is attempted, presentation is everything. Proper presentation of a Barbie head is neck-hole towards the snake. Hair-first is a breech, and about as much fun to deal with as it's organic counterpart. Drain snake claws and three inches of fragile plastic hair are not good companions. Often, what you get is a snake-end with a tangled wad of plastic fibers and nameless ooze from the pipe.

-- The final step of the ritual is often followed by a short burst of language little girls should not hear. It's recommended that your daughter not be in the house during this mystic time. Your son should also not be present, or he will repeat the mystic words to your wife when you'd much rather he didn't.

[txa1265]

And that when you have all boys, and one of them likes Barbies, the breadth of combined household activities and wonton destruction that can occur involving a well-dressed Barbie and various X-Men is almost limitless.

... let's have a tea-party and then lay a path of death to the doorsteps of our enemies, mmkay?

Oh, and they all end up naked eventually.

[Greg1038]

"Back in my day," boys were the victims of Barbie-related abuse.

Case in point: Older sis had the Barbies, and my brother and I had the same-sized G.I. Joes. When Ken was no longer cutting it as a man (pretty much as soon as they noticed the Joe's square jaw, his go-to-hell expression, the kung fu grip), Joe was kidnapped and subjected to the same treatment real life women subject their manly men: Total sissification. That kung fu grip is great for holding a tea cup.

Just remembering this humiliation is traumatizing me.

[GamerDad]

I had a friend who's younger sister used to clobber him with Barbies. I thought you meant that kind of abuse.

[Tater-Dad]

But Barbie and Ken Broke up!

my GIJoe vs. Barbie games were always invade the amazon fortress to save R2-D2.

[Greg1038]

my GIJoe vs. Barbie games were always invade the amazon fortress to save R2-D2.

You see, that's where we are different. My Joes were afraid of Barbie, probably the only foe they feared.

[Tater-Dad]

my GIJoe vs. Barbie games were always invade the amazon fortress to save R2-D2.

You see, that's where we are different. My Joes were afraid of Barbie, probably the only foe they feared.

The Joes outnumbered Barbie like 6:1 at the time of the Battle of '86-and they still called in the Battle Beasts for reinforcements.

[CelesteGB]

Oh and the joy of an older brother shoving firecrackers in the joints to see what happens

Oh and taking them to the House of Beauty for a hair cut.

Celeste

[Mommy!]

We are in full Barbie swing at our house. My 6 year old loves them. My Dad recently gave her all my older Barbies. The heads keep falling off of them, so at least Mattel has made some improvements over the years.

And you are so right! Why can't they hold anything? All the cute little phones, remote controls, tea cups, purses...they can't hold any of it. But, they will always be cuter than the standable GI Joe.

Good article, Dave. I sense it's something you are passionate about

Sheila

[Alpern]

Thanks for the positive responses, guys!

This article originally had pictures and captions, but I didn't format them correctly and Bub had to cut them before posting it, which was a shame because I think the pictures really added to it. The original version complete with pictures is available http://www.johnsteakley.com/Barbies.pdf.

I hope you like it!

[Yankeefan]

Both of my daughters were WAY into Barbies when they were younger. Now they are both teenagers so life is really hell for me. But it never failed, whenever they would get a new Barbie (which was almost daily for awhile there), the first thing they would do was chop Barbie's hair off until it was quite short. I never understood the reasoning for this, but I was just the father and not expected to understand such things.

[Raedwulf]

I'm going to think back to the GI Joe collection my brother has (Yes, he stil has them, 30 years and running). We don't have sisters, so dolls are new territory for me

GI Joe Circa 1970
hair was psuedo real, brush cut... kinda like the brush used to pick up lint. Different Joes available had beards, some were black (oh wait, African-Americans)
Yeah, 12 inches tall, had 'kung fu' grip, this name only came into being during the David Carradine, earlier models had stiffer hands, but could still cradle a rifle, a gun or hand grenade could be held if you held your tongue just right

Brother has a Jeep, helicopter, cave headquarters as well as associated guns. I had a GI Joe once, it had a deep sea diving suit, you could blow into a small hose and bubbles came up from the helmet

I liked Major Matt Mason and his Space Crawler, that was just plain cool. He had wayyy better accessories
http://wildtoys.com/MMMPage/MattelPlays ... rSide1.asp
http://wildtoys.com/MMMPage/MattelPlays ... onFull.asp
This was before we put a man on the moon
http://wildtoys.com/MMMPage/MattelPlaysets/6301.asp

Action figures really didn't appeal, I prefered my microscopes, telescopes and chemistry sets

Thanks Dave for the memories